21st November 2022, 06:26, London
I love starting my mornings with a workout. It helps me think through my plan of action for the day and get me in the right headspace. However, during my morning walk to the gym, my subconscious was plagued with thoughts regarding jealousy and its place in relationships.
“Does the use of jealousy make a relationship more exciting?” “By flaunting that you have various suitors does that make you more attractive to the one you want?” “If a lady had multiple suitors would it hasten a man’s desire to settle down with her and define the relationship?”
These thoughts clouded my mind and I couldn’t seem to move past any of these questions. As I tried to understand where all these questions were arising from I realised that I must have watched or heard something the day before that sowed a [negative] seed in my mind.
Amid the chaos I heard a soft voice from deep in my spirit: “Real love is not founded on jealousy.”
I stopped, cocked my head to the side and took that in. You’re right, Lord. Real love certainly isn’t founded on jealousy. Yet I couldn’t help but notice how a lot of the advice I had gleaned while growing up insinuated that a sprinkle of jealousy should make a man look more intently at a lady. Now perhaps that is true for some but what if he’s an outlier and jealousy + any associated mind games don’t move him?
I specifically said outlier because I believe that not all men [and as an extension people] are the same. Some, however few, don’t believe in using jealousy to spice up a relationship. I remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine where I shared this school of thought with him.
He rolled his eyes at this conundrum and said “if she feels that she has to put on a show or keep stressing to me that there are other guys in the picture I’d be perfectly happy to let her go.” He then said “what is mine is mine” and he’s not phased by the acting. I burst out laughing!
So to address the flurry of thoughts that surfaced earlier in the day I decided that I will not tolerate such a way of thinking in my relational life. I don’t believe you need to try and make someone jealous for them to value you more. I don’t believe you need to flaunt other suitors to seem more attractive. Quite frankly, it’s important to not be caught in the middle of foolish mind games that have no end. The bible says “he who finds a wife […]”. If he seeks you out and he’s the one, he will recognise your value without jealousy or mind games. If intimacy and deep affection are what you truly desire, the way to get it isn’t by acting. It’s by communicating openly and having a mature conversation.
I worry that someone will see this and cite the fact that the Bible says “God is a jealous God.” Oh yes, He certainly is and we should be grateful that He is, lest we be found abiding with deities that will rather have us for dinner!
God’s love isn’t founded on jealousy. He didn’t love us or want us to commit to Him because He was jealous of the devil having us. Think about it: is that love? That sounds like a very insecure and immature person which is certainly not my Father.
So let me reiterate the sweet words of the Holy Spirit: real love is not founded on jealousy. Of course, you can be playful. Of course, you can be troublesome. But please don’t engage in foolish mind games that encourage jealousy to try and control the relationship or influence the person’s actions. Doing that isn’t how we build real love. Such actions corrode trust, create fear in the heart, and most importantly, rob you and the person from enjoying the real you.
Here is a scripture that sums up my thoughts:
“And now I say to you, keep away from these men and let them alone; for if this plan or this work is of men, it will come to nothing; but if it is of God, you cannot overthrow it—lest you even be found to fight against God.” Acts 5:38-39 NKJV
Simply put, if it is God’s plan it will happen. There’s no need to use jealousy to try and control the relationship. That’s not healthy or necessary.
I know this was very much written for ladies thinking about men (because I’m a lady and it’s easier to speak from my viewpoint) but this piece holds true for men too. She will see your value without any crazy mind games!
Love always,
Tumi
