The capable couple

​14th October 2021, London, 4:36 am

“I will not put David before Goliath knowing fully that he cannot conquer him.”

Deep.

What on earth does that mean? Let’s break it down.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I am ridiculously analytical. Whilst this has its perks, it also means I have a habit of trying to see how everything connects. Let’s repackage that nicely “I’m a good problem solver” (hehe) that’s how I’d say it when selling myself.

But you see, being this analytical or rather having this problem-solving gift has its challenges. I say this because the problem is sometimes you cannot understand why on earth God has chosen to do something a certain way. Quite frankly, his methods usually make no sense at all. Anyway, today I have a story to tell you all. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Dilemma #1: The Capable Couple – Lola and Michael

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young woman named Lola and after an amazing 2 year friendship / “intentional friendship” /[dreaded] situationship she found herself in a “breakup.” I’ve put the “break up” in quotes because technically, they weren’t an item.

Lola was pouring her heart out to a friend and me and spoke about how when she first met this love interest they appeared to be a perfect match initially. They went together like peanut butter and jelly. For ease, we will call Lola’s love interest Michael.

Lola and Michael had been hitting it off for a while. Between them, there were no off-limits topics. According to her he also seemed to be a very decent guy; supports her career, pushes her to reach for her goals and dreams, is super respectful, respectful to her parents and prays?! (Can we get an amen sisters?) On paper, they seemed perfect.

As Lola continued with her heartfelt cries she spoke about how she always found it difficult to fall deeply in love with a man. She said “I’m an ambitious woman and my aggressive pursuit of my career often made a lot of guys I liked shrink back. I would feel like I was the problem yet with Michael this was never the case.”

Through the tears, she paused to share that when she introduced Michael to the clan (her group of female friends) he was pleasantly received. “You know how women are, sizing him up and asking a billion questions. After they got past his dress and his accent, I noticed my friends had a plethora of compliments to share about him. Even one of my friends who always found a problem in every man I dated couldn’t seem to find anything negative to say. It was like God was moving everyone around me to further give me a green light!”

So what happened then? Well, Lola and Michael were having a slow simmering romance until all of a sudden Michael started withdrawing slowly. In her words “It was like watching how the water on a beach slowly pulls back into the ocean.” Yikes!

Withdrawal from someone you’ve fallen in love with is a very painful thing to navigate, it’s complicated and feels like betrayal, heartbreak and embarrassment in one recipe alone. She continued “He kept saying he didn’t think he could handle anything serious and at first I shrugged it off, but slowly, I started noticing things stopped building. I kept hoping things would change but it didn’t. I would try and it would feel better momentarily but it never really changed. Then yesterday we finally had the conversation about parting ways and I feel so deflated. How can he do a complete 360 on me?” She kept on with her rant and I listened attentively allowing her to speak so I could feel the depth of her pain and heart.

Naturally, because Lola is my friend, I wanted to support her through this period as she tried to untangle her thoughts. One day we were speaking and she was recounting the story when the waterworks started again and didn’t seem to stop.

She sobbed continuously because she couldn’t figure out what had happened?! She hadn’t done anything so why was he suddenly acting so different? That day I remember comforting her whilst she expressed the depths of her heart and I casually said “Maybe he couldn’t fulfil the role that you need him to.” What I meant was “Maybe he just can’t be that dream partner you envisioned i.e. he’s not capable of doing the role.”

It was a casual statement that had a lot of weight and meaning behind it. I’m someone who rarely offers an opinion about someone else’s relationship because that’s deeply personal. In the instance that I do, I tend to tread very carefully because I’m cognisant of the fact that I’m always getting one perspective of the story. I thought “Maybe he just can’t be what you need him to be” and said it out loud.

For now, let’s put their story aside. I know you guys will be interested in it. Who doesn’t love a good love story? I can’t tell you everything in one day but keep reading and you’ll find out over time what happened to them.

After she calmed down and we carried on with our lives, I kept pondering on what I had said. I felt uncomfortable by the statement. Was that true? The reason I felt uncomfortable is because Lola had seen many flags that Michael was someone God liked in her life. Almost like He had given her a thumbs-up for the relationship.

I kept thinking over and over – this makes no sense. Why would God ‘OK’ a relationship with someone who wasn’t capable of fulfilling the role He needed him to do? In my view, it’s in His (God’s) best interest that the guy be capable because when they are a good team it means they can fully dedicate themselves to their purpose and birth His will in various parts of their lives – all to glorify Him. So why will He OK something or someone that’s not ok? It just didn’t sit right with me. I kept thinking about it over and over again.

Then from the blue, I heard:

“I will not put David before Goliath knowing fully that he cannot conquer him.”

I froze. I was like oh my God. What ABBA was saying was that Michael was very capable. Not just very capable but he can do the role that God (and Lola) desired him to do. But then why? Why wasn’t he doing it? Why was he withdrawing?

Let’s take another quick detour:

When they first met, Lola was a completely different woman. She was more on the “yolo train” and wasn’t looking for anything serious. Coincidentally as they started getting closer, she had started on a journey of going deeper with God and was praying about finding her helpmate who could support her with her purpose and vice versa.

As her depth in God deepened, her identity kept flourishing. I watched as my friend transformed slowly into a shining star who looked to stand for God in all she did. God was changing her at an alarming rate! My point is, that the Lola he met is very different from the Lola of today. She changed over time and grew into a very beautiful woman.

So how does this relate to what God said and to Michael? I think it means Michael is very capable of being Lola’s person. She grew and evolved into being capable of much more. In the same light, Michael can too. HE IS CAPABLE. I think that is what God was trying to tell me.

My mistake was I assumed that because he had chosen not to do it that translated as he was not capable of doing it.

Did you catch that?

When I speak to my friends (male and female), the intensity of a serious relationship can sometimes be overwhelming. Whilst I don’t know Michael’s reasons for behaving that way, I had to change my comment and unfortunately share with Lola my updated thoughts following my newly found wisdom.

He is capable, he’s just chosen not to do it.

Why? Well… Like I said, Lola and Michael’s story is still a work in progress and no, you don’t get to know the ending today. This is an incentive for you guys to keep reading (lol).

The truth is this isn’t a fairy-tale passage today. There’s no “and they lived happily ever after” at least not yet. As I struggled to find a good way to end this story the Holy Spirit was kind enough to interrupt my thoughts. He said, “The Lord’s will always prevails.” And that my friend is true!

Now to the guys who read this – I know that God wasn’t only highlighting that statement for fun. Dare I say that he’s also calling out men afraid of being “serious.” Yes I know sometimes it’s a simple case of lack of interest or even wrong timing which is a different case entirely. However, the people I’m speaking to are those who are secretly afraid of “failing” in a relationship or don’t want to let a woman down. Or men who are afraid of not being enough. Or men who are afraid of failing at their responsibilities. Then because you [secretly] think you’re not capable you may withdraw.

Why would you think you’re not capable or not enough? Lola grew into her role. You can too. If you weren’t capable, God wouldn’t put you there. It’s very simple. Every relationship has growing pains and if you stick with it long enough you’d be surprised by the person you’d grow to become.

Don’t run, don’t withdraw. Secondly, don’t assume that someone isn’t capable. There’s capability and there’s a choice. Sometimes it’s a lack of choice and not an inability to do something.

A bittersweet story but trust me it gets better. Maybe one day I’ll share what happened to them. For now, that’s all for today. If this resonates with you, write me back. I’ll keep your secrets safe.

Love always,
Tumi

P.s. we like Michael! He is a great guy and I feel like that’s why Lola was hit hard. But stay tuned and in due season I will tell you more about this interesting couple.

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